Waffle House to add Urgent Care
Waffle House, the 24-hour chain better known more for its middle-of-the-night combat than actual cuisine, has announced plans to introduce medical care at its upcoming Texas Hill Country location.
“For years we’ve tried to improve our dining experience,” says company spokesman Dr. Simpson Tramble. “Let’s be honest, it hasn’t worked. Our Yelp reviews read like crime reports—‘Waffle House is like Cracker Barrel if they lowered the standards on who they let in,’ ‘Looks like a drug cartel bought a Chuck E. Cheese,’ and ‘Waffle House is like a buffet at a strip club, the food is the last thing you want to touch.’”
Yet, despite the unfortunate food, the chain’s 2,000+ locations remain crowded. The reason is simple: customers come for the fights.
“We’re less of a house and more of a waffle correctional facility,” Dr. Tramble explains. “A huge percentage of our diners end up needing urgent care so we’ve decided to lean into that. When treating a knife wound, why give away free paper napkins when we can upsell surgical gauze?”
Hostesses will perform basic triage at the door, seating the bloodiest patrons near the restrooms where the floors are already easy to hose down.
Once seated, servers trained in both first aid and crisis management will point out emergency exits and describe the daily specials. Most medical items like tourniquets and wound dressings will be a la carte, but the menu will also include some family-style combos. The “Bandages For Four,” for example, comes with a full roll of sterile gauze, four ice packs, toast, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a side of hash browns—provided everyone at the table is conscious enough to swallow solid food.
The company admits the pivot has created a few staffing hurdles. For starters, it’s hard to locate doctors with food server experience, and when they do, many are not used to seeing so much blood.
A bigger challenge has been trying to entice these med school graduates to join the Waffle House family instead of a traditional medical group. “At a hospital, a new hire can theoretically work their way up to Chief of Surgery,” Tramble explains. “Our ceiling would be Night Manager so, perks-wise, we’re at a disadvantage. Our ace in the hole is that few hospitals offer unlimited waffles. I believe Houston Methodist is the only one.”
The upcoming Hill Country location will also have another first — the restaurant will partner with local police. When you dial 911, it will ring at Waffle House since the cops will probably be there already.
Update: Houston Methodist could not be reached for comment at time of publication. Since then we have learned they offer only unlimited pancakes, not waffles.
The writer, Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.
So good