UPS to Hire Psychics
An in-house report by UPS has revealed 30% of each day’s correctly delivered packages are lucky guesses.
“All porches look alike. That’s a fact,” claims Hank Belchain, a UPS driver based out of the Customer Center in Kerrville, TX. Sixes, eights, and nines all look alike and some addresses are only one letter away from a different address! It’s a miracle any deliveries end up in the right place.
Here’s an example…
101 Main Street and 101 Maine Street.
Can you spot the difference? Look again. Keep in mind that while we’re glancing at address labels we’re also driving a cartoon-shaped truck and trying to remember which traffic laws are important. Is it any wonder we constantly throw packages onto the wrong porch? Is this for a podcast?”
Hoping to assist their drivers, UPS has made the decision to hire former employees of the Psychic Friends Network — a legacy call-in service where people were charged $3.99 per minute for psychic guidance. Now when drivers encounter illegible addresses, they can consult an in-house psychic who will help determine whether it’s suite B or suite 8.
The company also plans to introduce a premium shipping tier in which tracking numbers will be connected to a specific psychic who will follow that package from drop-off to delivery. Customers will get real-time updates on whether their package “feels close.”
Early tests have been encouraging. One issue has emerged, however — a large number of drivers, after being told they’re gonna win the lottery, have quit.
Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.