Miracle Whip is Now Official
After 92 years in stolen valor purgatory, The Vatican has officially declared Kraft Foods’ Miracle Whip an actual miracle.
Definition of a miracle: A surprising event that is not explicable by scientific laws and therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.
“In the words of the Holy Father himself, ‘It makes the inedible edible,’” declares Archbishop Paolo Rudelli, Substitute for General Affairs for the Secretariat of State of the Holy See.
“Technically it’s an emulsified salad dressing, not mayo—” interjects Edgar Peña Parra, Apostolic Nuncio to Italy and San Marino, then going quiet when he realizes Rudelli is staring at him. “Sorry.”
“As I was saying,” continues Archbishop Rudelli, “each week The Holy See receives dozens of Request for Miracle Status applications. This is the first condiment to receive this level of endorsement—”
“Jesus saves souls and Miracle Whip saves sandwiches!” says Peña Parra, again interrupting. “That should be their slogan. Good, right? Not that I’m comparing Jesus to Miracle Whip. It’s like when talking about the saints — Saint Peter is the patron saint of popes and St. Rita of Cascia is the patron saint of bad marriages. Both are saints but they’re not equal. I mean, she might be a lovely woman but c’mon. Know what I’m saying? I forgot where I was going with this.”
Before Rudelli can cut him off…
“Oh wait, I remember. I was gonna say it’s too bad emulsified mayo alternatives weren’t around in biblical times. If Jesus made potato salad with Miracle Whip instead of regular mayonnaise when he fed the 5,000, maybe he would’ve fed 6,000. He’d have had more tools in his Divine Toolkit. Hey, here’s an idea, why not dab a bit of Miracle Whip onto the communion wafers during the Holy Eucharist? I hear Chris & Pitt’s BBQ sauce is also on the Short List— What are you doing? Hey!”
Peña Parra is dragged off by a half dozen Swiss Guards.
Having one of your condiments earn the equivalent of product-sainthood [1] comes at a price — Kraft Heinz’s corporate headquarters in Chicago has now become a shrine.
“Miracle Whip is doing the Lord’s work,” testifies a company spokesperson. “But now that our emulsified ranch dressing is officially a sacrament, an ever-growing number of pilgrims are making the journey to the place the miracle first occurred. They sneak into the factory at night and swim in the vats of mayonnaise in hopes it’s some kind of Fountain of Youth. The problem’s become so widespread we had to install rinse-off showers next to the vats. Sometimes they even leave behind dry sandwiches as symbolic offerings.”
UPDATE: Rather than fight against the inevitable trespassing, the company has decided to embrace it. They are meeting next week with Pro-Water Design Associates to explore ways to turn the factory into a mayonnaise waterpark.
[1] (Betting sites Kalshi and Polymarket both had Heinz Ketchup at better odds)
Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.