Johnson City to Reincorporate as Gay Bar
Johnson City is not doing well. The childhood home of a potty-mouthed president surrounded by wine vineyards is not the tourist magnet the town’s founders had hoped for. “Our annual Johnson City Parade sucks,” admits the mayor. “No one travels in for it and can you blame ‘em? Who wants to wave back to grey-suited council members in convertible Cadillacs driving past the Dairy Queen? I almost fell asleep saying that.”
Luckily, the misfortune of Stonewall, Texas, is throwing Johnson City a lifeline. A surprising number of people in the LGBTQ community type ‘Stonewall’ into their navigation system when they *should* type, ‘Stonewall Inn’. They assume they’re driving to the memorial celebrating gay rights at the site of the infamous 1969 Stonewall Riots in New York City but instead end up in the Texas parking lot of Los Cazadores Hunting Supply looking at deer feeders.
“We saw this as an opportunity,” continues Johnson City’s mayor. “Why not invite these people to drive 10 minutes further and share their frustration with other annoyed people here in Johnson City? Everyone will be welcome, of course. You don’t have to be German to visit the German town of Fredericksburg and you won’t have to be gay to visit the new Johnson City. And the best thing about this rebranding? We won’t have to change any signs.”
Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.