Enchanted Rock to Lose Enchanted
Enchanted Rock, the massive exfoliation dome in the Llano Uplift, will soon lose its adjective. The Walt Disney Company filed a legal motion claiming the word “enchanted” infringes on their intellectual property.
“ENCHANTED is a musical about a cartoon princess thrust into modern-day New York City,” says Disney Legal Team Member 17. “You can obviously see how the average dumb kid, hearing about some rock in Texas, might get confused. The city can change a few signs. We’d have to rewrite over a dozen songs.”
“At first we planned to fight ‘em but they convinced us,” claims Llano City Council Chairman Tommy Chaster as he exited the bank carrying three gym bags. “Over several expensive steak dinners, we simply listened to Disney’s argument — that being the largest pink granite monadnock in the United States doesn’t make you enchanted — and that’s why we changed our minds.”
“Enchanted is defined as being placed under a magic spell,” Mr. Chaster continued while setting up a new Disney Plus subscription on his TV. “The only thing magical about Enchanted Rock is how much you sweat there during the summer. But perspiration isn’t magic. It's heatstroke with better branding. If you’re in a hot car and sweat, are you now sitting in an enchanted car? No. We owe it to proper grammar to be accurate in the adjectives we use.”
The place was mistakenly labeled enchanted because the Native Americans of the area, the Comanche, heard groaning noises at night and interpreted the sounds as spiritual power. Years later, however, people of science figured out the groans are from the granite expanding and contracting.
The Llano Geology Society was also originally against modifying the name of the 700 million-year-old rock formation but the members changed their minds when Disney flew their families to Florida for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Dolphin Resort near Epcot Center to talk it over one more time. “It’s true that in 1971 the National Park Service awarded the area the designation ‘National Natural Landmark,’” says Society member Nagi Leashman, drinking prosecco from a Yeti mug with his name etched under the Disney logo and holding a Limited Edition Box Set of Frozen. “But so what? We’ve all gotten awards and they don’t call me ‘Excellent Bowler Leashman.’”
So the next step would be dropping “enchanted” from the name and licensing “The Rock” from Dwayne Johnson, right? Not so fast. There’s a legal complication that two weeks in the Goofy Suite on a Disney Cruise can’t resolve — “The Rock” trademark is actually owned by Alcatraz Island LLC. They permit Mr. Johnson to use the moniker only in the area of entertainment. Using “The Rock” in any other field would be seen as competition to Alcatraz. Legal experts say this is why the Dwayne Johnson Incarceration Centers never got off the ground.
Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.
Seems legit to me.