“All porches look alike. That’s a fact,” claims Hank Belchain, a UPS driver based out of the Customer Center in Kerrville, TX. Sixes, eights, and nines all look alike and some addresses are only one letter away from a different address! It’s a miracle any deliveries end up in the right place.

Here’s an example…

101 Main Street and 101 Maine Street.

Can you spot the difference? Look again. Keep in mind that while we’re glancing at address labels we’re also driving a cartoon-shaped truck and trying to remember which traffic laws are important. Is it any wonder we constantly throw packages onto the wrong porch? Is this for a podcast?”

Hoping to assist their drivers, UPS has made the decision to hire former employees of the Psychic Friends Network — a legacy call-in service where people were charged $3.99 per minute for psychic guidance. Now when drivers encounter illegible addresses, they can consult an in-house psychic who will help determine whether it’s suite B or suite 8.

The company also plans to introduce a premium shipping tier in which tracking numbers will be connected to a specific psychic who will follow that package from drop-off to delivery. Customers will get real-time updates on whether their package “feels close.”

Early tests have been encouraging. One issue has emerged, however — a large number of drivers, after being told they’re gonna win the lottery, have quit.

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

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“ENCHANTED is a musical about a cartoon princess thrust into modern-day New York City,” says Disney Legal Team Member 17. “You can obviously see how the average dumb kid, hearing about some rock in Texas, might get confused. The city can change a few signs. We’d have to rewrite over a dozen songs.”

“At first we planned to fight ‘em but they convinced us,” claims Llano City Council Chairman Tommy Chaster as he exited the bank carrying three gym bags. “Over several expensive steak dinners, we simply listened to Disney’s argument — that being the largest pink granite monadnock in the United States doesn’t make you enchanted — and that’s why we changed our minds.”

“Enchanted is defined as being placed under a magic spell,” Mr. Chaster continued while setting up a new Disney Plus subscription on his TV. “The only thing magical about Enchanted Rock is how much you sweat there during the summer. But perspiration isn’t magic. It's heatstroke with better branding. If you’re in a hot car and sweat, are you now sitting in an enchanted car? No. We owe it to proper grammar to be accurate in the adjectives we use.”

The place was mistakenly labeled enchanted because the Native Americans of the area, the Comanche, heard groaning noises at night and interpreted the sounds as spiritual power. Years later, however, people of science figured out the groans are from the granite expanding and contracting.

The Llano Geology Society was also originally against modifying the name of the 700 million-year-old rock formation but the members changed their minds when Disney flew their families to Florida for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Dolphin Resort near Epcot Center to talk it over one more time. “It’s true that in 1971 the National Park Service awarded the area the designation ‘National Natural Landmark,’” says Society member Nagi Leashman, drinking prosecco from a Yeti mug with his name etched under the Disney logo and holding a Limited Edition Box Set of Frozen. “But so what? We’ve all gotten awards and they don’t call me ‘Excellent Bowler Leashman.’”

So the next step would be dropping “enchanted” from the name and licensing “The Rock” from Dwayne Johnson, right? Not so fast. There’s a legal complication that two weeks in the Goofy Suite on a Disney Cruise can’t resolve — “The Rock” trademark is actually owned by Alcatraz Island LLC. They permit Mr. Johnson to use the moniker only in the area of entertainment. Using “The Rock” in any other field would be seen as competition to Alcatraz. Legal experts say this is why the Dwayne Johnson Incarceration Centers never got off the ground.

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

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“Normally we hop on the truck and rush to the fire,” explains Fire Marshal Bo Meritson, “but I didn’t want to interrupt the ‘wish’. I’m not a doctor but the kid looked pretty sick and I was afraid he might not be around long enough for us to reschedule. We thought about taking the bus to the fire but decided to just wait until 2pm.”

“The homeowner was probably playing with lighter fluid,” Meritson guesses. “Chances are he wandered off to get another beer and everything caught fire. I don’t know that this is what happened or not but odds are good he didn’t properly clear debris around his firepit. I’m assuming it’s a guy ‘cause lighter fluid is mostly a man thing. Anyway, I had to make a tough choice — do I shorten the dying wish of an innocent boy just to save some rusted BBQ grill on a rotting wooden porch that I’ll bet wasn’t built to code in the first place?”

“The poor kid was dealt a bad hand,” Meritson continues. “Spent most of his life in hospitals. Probably. You should’ve seen him that day. My God, he was happy as a clam, honking the horn. Sorry. I don’t mean to be tearing up… I’m supposed to cut short this boy’s dream ‘cause a slow-witted alcoholic drifter set fire to the woodpile near his trailer? I admit I don’t actually know if he drank or lived in a trailer but I’ll wager my pension he was slow-witted. I have a sense for these things.”

“Decks can be rebuilt, dying boys can’t. That’s a saying I live by. If I wasn’t scared of needles I’d get that as a tattoo. What’s a few burned acres compared to a sick kid having fun playing with hoses? In fact, I suspect this homeowner might be a tax-cheating arsonist who purposefully set fire to his own backyard. Maybe. There’s no proof he didn’t. What we DO have proof of, is that the boy was sick. Everyone agreed he didn’t look healthy so the only proof here helps the boy.”

“Between a probable wife-abusing pyromaniac and a terminally ill, grade-A student about to board the elevator to Heaven, I’ll side with the young lad every time.”

Update: The fire department has officially filed a request with the Make-A-Wish Foundation to get a second fire truck.

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

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Ticket prices will start at $42,000 plus a $6.95 processing fee. “There will be a limited number of VIP packages,” according to Hondo’s Manager Fred Savage. “Our Gold Package will be $120,000, which will include free drinks and taking turns being strapped to the back of Lars Ulrich.”

“We understand the ticket prices are high,” Mr. Savage continued, “but the insurance for this event is astronomical. This building was constructed more than a hundred years before thrash metal existed. We’re not sure the stone walls will hold up from the vibrations. By morning the venue might be nothing more than a smoldering crater and we’ll have to rebuild from the ashes. And no, I’m not that Fred Savage.”

Luckenbach has announced they will counter-program that night with the Shen Yun Chinese Dance and Music Company. Each Shen Yun touring ensemble consists of 60 performers plus a full orchestra. The Luckenbach stage can only accommodate 8 performers at a time, so audience members will be asked to imagine the other 52. More details when they become available.

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

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Sexist, you say? Men are looking to sip wine and sing karaoke also, you say? Well, you can stop saying it — Announcing Willy’s Wine Wagon Tours: A competitor to Brooke’s that is only for men.

A typical Wine Wagon tour begins with a stop at a convenience store so participants can spend forty minutes debating which beer to buy. The car then follows one of Brooke’s vehicles at a discreet distance of about thirty yards to whatever winery they’re headed to. Pulling in a few minutes behind, the men remain in the car, crack open beers and talk sports. When the women emerge from their wine tasting an hour later, the men roll down the windows and shout from across the parking lot in what Willy describes as “attempts to connect.” The car then follows the ladies to the next vineyard, where the process repeats.

Upgrade options include binoculars, ice and a company chaperone whose sole responsibility is to repeatedly say, “Bro, you should totally go talk to them.”

Both companies charge a $300 cleaning fee if someone gets sick. Advises Willy, “Vomit at the wineries, not in the vehicles. Have some class.”

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

Luckily, the misfortune of Stonewall, Texas, is throwing Johnson City a lifeline. A surprising number of people in the LGBTQ community type ‘Stonewall’ into their navigation system when they *should* type, ‘Stonewall Inn’. They assume they’re driving to the memorial celebrating gay rights at the site of the infamous 1969 Stonewall Riots in New York City but instead end up in the Texas parking lot of Los Cazadores Hunting Supply looking at deer feeders.

“We saw this as an opportunity,” continues Johnson City’s mayor. “Why not invite these people to drive 10 minutes further and share their frustration with other annoyed people here in Johnson City? Everyone will be welcome, of course. You don’t have to be German to visit the German town of Fredericksburg and you won’t have to be gay to visit the new Johnson City. And the best thing about this rebranding? We won’t have to change any signs.”

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Billiam Coronel is a multiple Emmy-winning comedy writer who now lives in the Texas Hill Country. He was on The Tonight Show multiple times and wrote on a dozen sitcoms including FAMILY GUY.

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